listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
