Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Holy shit dude........stairs
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
