Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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