You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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