Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
