Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
