after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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