I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
