Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
