remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
