thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
