Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
