I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
