Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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