she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
