i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
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