If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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