I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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