I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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