The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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