the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize
