She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
what day is it and did you see me today?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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