So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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