life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Why are your pants in the freezer?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
