oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
