Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
