And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
