I just pynch a tree in the face
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
