Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
