drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
