so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
