Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
