youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
