someone threw a dead crab at me
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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