The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
