What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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