Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
