i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
