cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
