Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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