we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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