Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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