that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
