I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
