I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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