having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
It all started with a game of naked twister.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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