I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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