i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i was born a porn star she said
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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