I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
