made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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