what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
