I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Brb crying the tears of my youth
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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