who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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